Today was a particularly rough day...

I have to say it has been more than a year since I'd cried this hard. I called my older sister, the one person I always look to have deep conversations with...However, my mom answered the phone and hearing her voice, well even as an adult... I lost it. I had been feeling a deep sense of sadness and did not really understand why. I felt alone today. I missed my family more than ever today. I am scared and I wish to get to a point where I can finally accept that Nina has this diagnosis.
However, I realize more and more as I think about all these emotions that I am feeling, that these ups and downs will be part of my life. As my daughter reaches every single milestone, I will be faced with the reality of her disability. I used to wish her autism away, but now that I think about her autism being a part of her and not who she is, would she be the same? Would she still be the sweet girl she is early in the morning? when she hugs you so tight it seems she wants to become one with you? Would she easily forgive my mistakes as she does now? Would she seek my comfort even when I have not been patient with her? Would she find happiness in the simplest of things as she does now? I really don't think I want to run the risk.
All is OK when we are in our little world, however when someone new steps into our world or when we venture outside it is too painfully clear how her peers inevitably see her as different or strange.
All these emotions came about after the most uncomfortable play date I have ever been on. I had a feeling it would happen, but I still decided to have them come and visit. The moment they came in our backyard, as it is customary, Nina and Matthias ran up, ignoring any sense of personal space and started to hug the kids as they were struggling to get away. Looking at my children as aliens, strange beings. That is not their fault, Nina and Matthias do seem different. Nina is awkward with her social interactions, and Matthias simply has modeled after his older sister's interactions. He even has the scripted talk that Nina started using to communicate with us early on in her language development.
Anyway, back to the awkward play date. I needed at one point to talk about the elephant in the room. The person who brought these children to my house was their aunt. Her niece is basically 6 months older than Nina, very smart and with a language development that is higher than average. When I started mentioning how obvious the differences between Nina and her niece were at this age, she answered that yes, five minutes after they had arrived, her niece had come to tell her she wanted to go home.
I do not understand why she felt she needed to tell me this, as it really just broke my heart and made me realize the difficulties we will be facing soon. Rejection is hard enough, but when you feel your child is rejected, well, it hurts more than your heart can bear...